you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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