if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
