Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
