On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
