it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
