Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
