So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
