I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
