i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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