There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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