hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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