Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
