I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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