The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
