Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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