She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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