Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
