Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
