i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
