we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
