We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
