i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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