my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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