i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
