Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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