Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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