Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
