You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
