Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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