i jhust puked up my retainher.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
