i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
