I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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