I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
