just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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