As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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