I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
