I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
