I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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