first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
