epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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