I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Randomize
