saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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