Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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