My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
