So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
