I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
