I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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