I accidentally burped into my bong.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
