i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
