cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
