well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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