I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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